


This Phone Bill Is Outrageous

by coppeditgood



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: a bit angsty, but like only for a sentence or two, some other characters are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 12:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coppeditgood/pseuds/coppeditgood
Summary: In which Valkyrie is depressed and Skulduggery is probably well dressed, but she doesn't really know that because this is a phone call.





	This Phone Bill Is Outrageous

Valkyrie sips her coffee slowly, savoring its warmth. It’s a gray sort of winter morning; the dull sunlight doing little to fight the cold and every little bit is appreciated and made to last.

Her eyes slide shut and she leans back on her rocking chair, letting it rock her gently back and forth. It creaks a little, but by now she’s used to it.

It’s been a gray sort of year, she muses. A soft shade, brightened by the wagging of her dog’s tail and the comfort of her armchair. She feels faintly old.

Valkyrie determinedly doesn’t think back to the time when everything had been black; the dull black of a fading existence and a mind that was no longer hers. Blackness spreading like a disease, darting shadows and slowly crawling, inevitable ones that plant themselves firmly inside and flourish. Brought on by events outside of her control, by events under her control, by desperate times and more desperate measures;

Things she saw and things she _did_ , black, black, _black_ filtered only by the bright red splatter of blood. Rising and swelling and mounting, until it was all-consuming and all-encompassing and she was nothing, absolutely nothing, nothing but a dead, motionless little speck floating slowly in _(her sister’s)_ blood _(that she spilled)_.

No. She doesn’t think about any of that at all.

She finishes her coffee in a single gulp, then gets up. The German shepherd at her feet thumps her tail once, twice and barks curiously. Valkyrie smiles softly and it takes more effort than it should. She kneels down to pet her.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Xena barks once more and presses her nose into Valkyrie’s palm, nuzzling close. Her smile widens. “Except inside,” she adds, standing up again and whistling for Xena to follow.

She enters the kitchen and steps forward to set down her mug. And the quiet atmosphere is abruptly broken by the sound of a default ringtone. She closes her eyes, smile gone.

When she opens them again, they’re brighter with a new emotion. Maybe anticipation. Maybe not.

She takes out her phone and accepts the call without checking to see the name blinking on the screen. There’s only one person who could be calling her anyways.

“Good morning,” she greets, walking into the living room with Xena at her heels.

“Good morning,” he agrees. His voice is a soft caress, velvety and familiar, but for some reason, it’s not as comforting as it used to be. “Or it would be, if the sun hadn’t set an hour ago.”

Valkyrie looked out the window. The sun, although engaged in a constant battle against the cold winds, was still shining valiantly; in Meek Ridge, Colorado that is. In Ireland, it would be around 8 pm by now.

“Right, sorry, my bad,” she says, sitting down on her favorite armchair. Xena leaps up beside her, eager to be close. She winds the hand not currently clutching the phone to her ear around the dog’s soft belly, tugging close and petting softly. It’s a good distraction.

“That’s it?” Skulduggery asks. “’Right, sorry, my bad’? No ‘Your problem, not mine?’ No ‘It’s not my fault the sun is a lazy basta-“

“Language,” scolds Valkyrie, pulling up her legs and resting her head on the arm. Xena curls up on her chest and she crosses her legs, resting them on the other arm, laying down fully. “There are young ears listening.”

She’s greeted with silence. Valkyrie frowns; silence from Skulduggery Pleasant is unusual enough to immediately spark her paranoia. She waits for a few moments, her mind immediately going to the worst possible conclusion.

“Valkyrie.” He says. “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer it with complete and utter honesty. Rest assured in the fact that nothing you could possibly say can tarnish my opinion of you, except of course for those things that can.” His voice is deep and sounds vaguely solemn, and despite herself she feels inclined to take him seriously.

“Um.” She says. Her fingers slide around Xena’s ears, and she rubs behind them absent-mindedly. “Okay?”

He waits for another couple of seconds to heighten the tension. She gets the feeling that if he could take a deep breath, he would’ve.

“Are you with child?” He asks.

Her eyes widen and her hands stop moving. Xena whines in disapproval and thumps her tail gently on Valkyrie’s chest.  She’s too busy being completely horrified to pay attention.

“No!” She splutters out, horrified. “What the hell, Skulduggery? I meant my dog!”

“Ah,” says Skulduggery, after a beat. “I suppose that does make more sense.”

“You’re an idiot,” she replies, exhaling loudly. She leans back her head, rolling her shoulders to try and loosen them.

“I’ll admit I may have jumped to conclusions,” He says. “But does that really, truly make me an idiot?”

“Yes.” She says. Her tone is final, cutting off any arguments before they’ve begun. Valkyrie shakes her head slightly and resumes petting. “You didn’t ‘jump to conclusions’, you leapt off the cliff of rational assumptions and flew to the freaking isle of conclusions.”

“Not quite how I would put it, but fair enough.” He concedes. “You had better be careful referring to me as such, though. We wouldn’t want those young ears to be corrupted, poor things.”

“Shut up.”

They remain in silence for a few minutes. It’s more comfortable now, she thinks. She hopes.

She breaks the silence. “How is everybody?”

“Good, good. They're great.” Skulduggery says. “I haven’t spoken to Dexter, Saracen, Tanith, Donegan or Gracious since the last time we spoke. But I’m sure they’re fine.”

Valkyrie rolls her eyes. It helps a bit. It makes her feel like her old self, who rolled her eyes so much it was a wonder they didn’t roll into the back of her head.

“And the rest?”

“Fletcher is doing fine. He went back to Australia for a bit, he comes over sometimes to see how things are going.”

She nods; that’s good. He deserves some time away from everything. ‘Do you?’ asks a voice in her head. She ignores it. She’s gotten good at that.

“China is as transcendent as ever,” He continues. “She’s taking very well to a position of leadership. She started the rebuilding almost immediately.”

“Roarhaven or her empire?” Valkyrie asks.

“Both, obviously.” Skulduggery replies.

“Right, of course.” She agrees. “Silly question.”

“Your family are doing well too.” he says, his tone softer. “I saw them earlier this week, at the grocery store. They were asking about you, your sister too.”

She hums casually in response, as if acting casual will make it that way. She’s still running her hands softly through Xena’s fur, in simple, repetitive motions. It’s keeping her grounded. Getting a pet was honestly the best decision she ever made, she thinks.

“You should call them. They want to talk to you.” He says, still in that annoyingly kind tone. Being careful and considerate. Some part of her wants to snap at him, wants to tell him that she’s not a delicate flower, she _knows_ she’s hurting her family by staying away, just like she knows that she’ll only hurt them more by staying close.

But that part is small and that part is weak and it’s reminded of what she’s done and why he’s being careful and why he should be and it shuts up, it quiets down, and it doesn’t try to talk anymore.

“Why were you at the grocery store?” Valkyrie asks instead. Because it’s easier to change the subject, to slip into the familiar old routine even though she’s slipping and her comebacks are lacking spark and they’re a split-second _(just a second)_ too late.

It’s easier to pretend. The same voice from earlier tells her she doesn’t deserve easy. She agrees.

“To get the groceries.” He replies, after a second of hesitation. “I’ve been informed that it’s a fantastic place to go grocery shopping.” 

“It is,” she says, “only you’re, y’know, a skeleton.”

“And it is most unfortunate,” he agrees. “As it happens, however, I have a façade that I use to appear as if I’m not, so I don’t have to bear the crushing loneliness of being the only person I know that doesn’t go grocery shopping.”

“I don’t go grocery shopping.” Valkyrie shrugs. She stretches out her legs further, uncrossing them and then crossing them again. “I pay the local store owner to come by every week.”

“Oh.” He says. “Well, that’s. Convenient, I suppose.”

“His name’s Danny,” she adds.

“Good name.”

“It is.”

Valkyrie waits for him to crack. He hums, then yawns, and then whistles the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody. Xena falls asleep on her chest. It was going to be difficult to extricate herself later, she thinks.

“I actually may have had an ulterior motive for going to the grocery store.” He says at last.

She tries to hold back grin. “Oh?”

“You see, Valkyrie, I am a detective. On occasion I have even been referred to as _the_ detective. The Skeleton Detective, to be precise. My dedication to my craft has earned me both skill and notoriety.” Skulduggery says. And says. And continues saying.

Her smile is disappearing fast.

“During the course of an unrelated investigation I discovered that your parents, along with your adorable little sister gently cradled in a perambulator, make their way to the grocery store regularly every Tuesday afternoon. So I decided to make it a part of my routine to simply ensure that their routine hasn’t been… disrupted.” He completes. She hears a rustle that may have been a shrug.

She took a deep breath. “So basically what you’re saying is you’re stalking my family while I’m gone.”

He wants to protest. She can feel it, it’s radiating from the phone in waves, he’s coming up with a hundred different reasons why he wasn’t stalking, and it was merely observing, how it was a responsible thing to do, how it was his job as a sorcerer to protect mortals. Valkyrie gears up to face the onslaught-

“Yeah, basically.” He says.

She blinks. “Okay.” She says cautiously.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asks.

Valkyrie hesitates. She’s not sure her parents would approve, especially her mother- they might consider it a slight invasion of privacy. But on the other hand, with Skulduggery looking out for them, her family would be safer. Her little sister would be safer _(from people like her) (that mean her harm)_.

“No,” she says. “I think you should keep going grocery shopping. Wouldn’t want you to be crushed by that weight of loneliness you were talking about.”

“Of course,” he says easily. He understands, of course he does. He always has and he always will. He’s Skulduggery Pleasant and she’s Valkyrie Cain and she’s hiding in America whilst he looks after her family to ensure their safety, safety that’s been compromised due to her actions.

She inhales, then exhales. Tries to stop thinking about it. Later, she tells them, the voices in her head. She’ll feel guilty later, once she’s done with this call. They back off slightly.

But not much.

The call doesn’t last for much longer after that. They chat for a while, about meaningless topics. She humors him and engages in some pointless banter, for old times’ sake. They hang up a little after noon, and she tucks her phone back into her pocket with a sigh. Xena is snoring adorable grunting little snores and her chest is numb. She doesn’t get up, though. She continues laying. She has pins and needles in her legs. She doesn’t move.

Valkyrie Cain suddenly feels very tired. The afternoon haze is pressing, making itself known. The cold from earlier is still present, but the sun has momentarily gained momentum and it’s beating down heavily. Her mind is blank, thanks to the careful self- manipulation that occurs every time she receives a call.

She’s going to go to sleep. She’s going to take a nap, she decides, and wake up in a couple of hours, curled up on her comfortable armchair, with her dog lying on her chest, in mid-winter, Meek Ridge, Colorado.

It’s not like you have anything better to do, the voice says snidely. She closes her eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [@nebulapologist](http://nebulapologist.tumblr.com/)


End file.
